What Divorce Mediation Is Really Like (It's Not Like the Movies)

How nice is it to see everything turning green again? It feels like a great time to leave winter behind and take in the changes that spring brings us. I don't know about y'all, but I was pretty happy to be wearing shorts in early March last week!

Today I wanted to touch on a pretty important topic in a divorce or custody case: mediation. In many jurisdictions (Warren, Edmonson, Barren, and Metcalfe included), mediation is often ordered before a case is given a final trial date. This does involve some extra cost to the litigants — the mediator doesn't work for free! — but it offers advantages far beyond those up-front costs.

And don't picture yourself showing up to an empty, glassed-in boardroom with a massive table, two attorneys shouting at each other while you stare blankly at your soon-to-be-ex. That's just for TV and the movies.

The first thing you may notice in your mediation is that you will do most of the talking — not your attorney. The mediator will want to get to know you, to learn about your case and about you as a person, so they can help craft the most personalized outcome possible. Your attorney will be there to answer your questions at any time, to give the mediator context on your case, and simply to be there for YOU.

I believe this matters, because from the very beginning you are empowered to achieve your own result, rather than having the court force its decision on everyone. Mediation lets the parties resolve conflict on their own terms, not someone else's.

The next thing you may notice is a fair amount of "down time" with your attorney. The mediator can only speak with one side at a time. When you're with the mediator, time flies; when the mediator is with the other party, time seems to crawl.

That down time is a great opportunity. You and your lawyer can keep preparing the case and talk through all the new information shared in mediation. These conversations help me keep working toward resolution while also continuing to prepare your case for trial, should mediation not resolve every issue.

I have been in so many mediations where my client was pessimistic about the odds of resolution, only to walk out completely surprised by the outcome. It feels great to see the relief and satisfaction on my clients' faces when they leave.

And let's be frank — sometimes mediated resolutions are still difficult, even when they're "good" agreements. At some point you may have to give up some things you wanted, just as the other party will, in order to keep the ability to control your ultimate outcome. You might even realize how much money you saved while steering your own result, and understand why the courts would prefer us to at least attempt mediation in the first place.

Sometimes a case isn't fully resolved at the end of mediation. But resolving a divorce or custody case through mediation isn't an all-or-nothing proposition. Mediations often end in partial resolutions, which still let the participants control as many outcomes as possible — because once a case is handed to the court, the resolution is out of your hands. Parties with partial agreements might cut the number of contested issues they bring to the court in half. That can reduce the time needed for further hearings, which may shorten the wait for the hearing you need.

Now, I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't add one important caveat. Everything above assumes a relatively level playing field, and that isn't always the reality. Where there has been domestic violence or abuse in a relationship, mediation may not be safe or appropriate — and Kentucky law recognizes this. In those situations a court cannot force you into mediation; you can only take part if you genuinely choose to. If that describes your situation, please don't feel any pressure from this post. Talk candidly with your attorney, and consider reaching out to a domestic violence advocate, so the two of you can decide together whether mediation makes sense for you at all. Your safety comes first — always.

So I urge everyone, whether the court orders it or not, to at least attempt mediation wherever it's appropriate, and to keep an open mind. You'll be the star of the show, and you'll be empowered to maintain real control over the outcome of your divorce or custody case.

I wish you all the best.